Broken Open...Broken Into: The Art of Surrender

Broken open.  

That was where it started.  My heart, my emotions, my body all pushed to the limit of what they can handle.  My mind reeling with that tiny gerbil that runs on his wheel 24/7 inside my head. There is no other way to really describe it all but broken open comes close.  There are days I feel like I am going to crack...and sometimes I do...and it is a relief to let it go.  The strength it takes to hold everything together with duct tape and staples and shoestrings...not easy.

And then there is the "Broken into"...something that hit me from left field.  Something I walked naively into.  Something that I couldn't wrap my head around even though it was right there, scattered across my dresser and tossed about on my floor.  In disbelief I stood there and went numb.  No fear, no understanding, no nothing...just a drop in the pit of my stomach and numbness.

Then I hear my voice inside my head protesting and asking "Why?!"

"I am a nice person!"

                           "I wouldn't hurt anyone!"

                                                 "I like people!"

        "I am innocent!"

                      "I don't understand!"



And then there is a quiet Voice that whispers,


and I don't want to hear it!  How can I trust?  How can I trust when my heart has been broken open time and time again?  How can I trust when my home has been broken into and my family treasures taken from me?


I fight it.  

I call 9-1-1.

"9-1-1 what is your emergency?" she asks.

"I need to report a burglary, can you send someone right away?" I plead, numb but the tears are shaking through my voice.

"What is your address?" she asks.

And then I wait.  I wait in the stillness of what was left behind.  I wait and sort through it in my mind and I hold it together.  I look through my things to see what is missing and as I realize what it is that they stole from me my heart breaks open again and the tears burst out.  I pull it together and start to write things down on paper.  I call my insurance agent.  I write things down.  

I hold it together and talk to the police officer.  

I hold it together and talk to the detective who takes pictures.  He suggests I have someone stay with me for a few nights.  I just want to be alone.  Strong.  Defiant.

They can take my things but they are just things.  They cannot take the love embedded in the memories of those things.  They cannot take my spirit.  I am stronger than that.

I hate the fact that my grandmother's opal and diamond ring was stolen.  I hate the fact that her diamond stud earrings were stolen.  Those were so special to me... she impressed upon my mother to give me years after she passed b/c she knew I wanted a pair.  I never told anyone of my wish...I did not know my mother had them and she gave them to me on my birthday in a little blue box.  It was magic.  I still have those memories.  I still have that love.

I hate the fact that my wedding band was stolen.  I hate the fact that my husband's wedding band was stolen.  I hate the fact that my grandmother's sweet little butterfly necklace and sweet little star necklaces were stolen.  But I still have those memories.  Bittersweet but still love.

And then there was Sekhmet.  She reminded me of all the things that were precious in Egypt and in the temples and how many times they were looted and how many things were stolen by thieves.  She reminded me that there is still strength and magic inside the land and the temples...and that there is still strength and magic in me.

Okay....and then I got sick.  Stomach flu.

Everything that I had been holding together and swallowing and keeping down came up.  My body couldn't take it anymore.  I was weak and couldn't stomach even water.  I laid in bed.  I laid on the couch.  I slept.  

Our bodies talk to us.  I did the best I could.  I found my way to the kitchen to warm some vegetable broth and get the Gatorade.  I found my way to the kitchen to get more.  I found my strength, even though I had been knocked down on all sides, all I had in the end was me to lean on.  Not that I didn't have support from my friends and family, but ultimately we all have to find our strength inside of ourselves.

Today is a new day.  The alarm company was scheduled to come out...they had to reschedule.  More waiting...more digging deep...more trust.

Tough lessons.  I still don't understand the "Why" exactly but I am learning to trust.


Sending you so much love...