I think I wrote to you fairly recently but I wanted to write to you again...because I've been writing! Well, I technically have taken a few days 'off' from the writing group I joined for the month of August to FEEL and fully EXPERIENCE what was happening in my life right NOW and in the moment rather than to sit with the lovely, thought-provoking writing prompts each day. I wanted to settle into the river of my life and wallow in it...all the juiciness of it, the change, the ways I push myself, the change of scenery and how it feels to wake up under a different neighbor (NOT what that sounds like! lol)
The week I came home from the Great Lakes Retreat I spent recuperating
from illness and then sort of playing catch-up before packing to move. It was a move that felt so right. If it couldn't be back Home, then this was the next best thing for me right now and I was more than ready. It felt like a new beginning in a place where I was feeling restless and needing to feel like I was moving, literally, forward somehow in my life.
But, before the Big Move, I wrote something I wanted to share with you about what it is like to feel. It was one of the writing prompts and for each of them I have felt them out, sorted through all the emotion and words that come up and then just write...not crafting it out with multiple drafts...just writing it out from my heart and soul, and my blood, sweat and tears and ragged finger bones pounding it all out on the keyboard so that it can just get OUT of me, for heaven's sake.
I hope you enjoy it and that it inspires you in some magical way. And, speaking of magic, I like to think that my new apartment is just like living in Harry Potter's room...it is nestled under the staircase of the hallway. All I need is an owl :)
Words I Wrote
I see dead people.
I hear the sound of the Earth breathing. I feel the voices of the trees humming across my skin. Some call me a psychic or a medium...or crazy, but once, when I was a very little girl sitting on my bed in my Pepto-Bismol Pink bedroom I just KNEW.
I knew who I was and where I came from. I knew I had chosen my parents and my sister and my house in the country. I knew that I would love horses and fall in love and be hurt by it. I felt connected to the stars within the vastness of the Void that I once called home and I just knew. I was an oracle.
The toughest part is being a part of the "real" world in a way that seems "normal" when everything on the inside feels out of step with society and what is considered normal. I've learned how to blend in, well, not always but I do try. I do "normal" things and struggle with "normal" jobs but I am who I am.
Once about five years ago I made a conscious decision to turn off everything and be like everyone else in the farming community/Bible belt where I was having to take a job working for the local elementary school. That decision was part of my demise and it, along with the heartache of love, almost killed me. Literally. I stopped eating and became in a few short months a walking skeleton. I was starving myself of everything I felt but didn't acknowledge. It was the darkest point in my life.
But, I wouldn't change it for anything. I found my way back to myself. I slowly re-membered who I was and with just as much certainty as I knew myself as a small girl, I knew this was part of my journey and that I chose that path. It was a devastating one but I survived to come out on this side of things to feel again and to help others and give them hope that if they are at the deepest part of their own Underworld that they, too, can find their way back.
I have learned how to harness how much I feel so that I don't walk around at the grocery store with everyone's dead loved ones so that I can live my life as a human, but I have learned also how to keep it at my fingertips so that I feel connected to my Life Line. When it gets to be too much, especially after a full day of giving readings, I go outside. I walk, I ride my bike, I sit by the water and feel the wind. I do dishes and cook and watch movies. I take pictures...LOTS of pictures but the spirit of everything comes through the lens and I love that.
I see dead people. I hear the sound of the Earth breathing. I feel the voices of the trees humming across my skin. Some call me a psychic or a medium...or crazy...but I would not change anything.