I.Just.Can't.EVEN!!!!!

LIFE

I hit Life pretty hard and on all cylinders most of the time.  Staying busy, networking, reaching out, helping others...that's what it's all about, right?  Well, last weekend I suddenly couldn't anymore.

Everything in my brain stopped.  Everything in my heart bubbled over the edges.  Everything in my body just wanted to be held or to be still or to just lie down.  I rode the Struggle Bus for a little while before it kicked me off and ran over me.  Literally. 

Sunday morning I woke up around 6:30 or 7:00 am and with so much on my mind and my To Do List, I grabbed my computer and got to work.  One of the perks of working from home is that you can just lay in bed in your jammies and get tons done before 9:00 am, or burn the midnight oil, like I'm doing tonight....here in my sweet cozy living room, windows open, chilling on the couch, computer in my lap with 16 tabs open and battery getting dangerously low, sipping Kombucha, feeling super ultra productive.

I had an email I had to get out to a client and it took me sooooo long to get my head wrapped around all the things I needed to add and the links I needed to be sure were included.  I looked it over again and again feeling my brain cranking trying to double check everything.  Finally, I hit Send and immediately realized the subject line hadn't been edited and it made absolutely NO sense.  In a panic, I intercepted the email before it went out and then had to start all over again.  

Same process....get it all together, add the links, check and double check through the fog settling in thicker over my brain.  Again I hit Send and immediately received a response that one of the links didn't work.  I apologized, made the change and then hit Send.

From somewhere deep inside my gut it bubbled up and while I didn't know what it was exactly or how to describe or define it, I knew I needed to take a day off.  I voiced that because I didn't know at first what was wrong with me, I just knew I was not quite my Self.

GETTING DIRTY

So, that day, I spent some time with my family and went to see my new grandson (just born on Saturday!!!!  I'm a Granny!!!!!).  I tried not to get on my phone all day and just focus on my family and sorting out what I was feeling.  That afternoon I stopped at Lowe's on my way home to get some dirt for my landscaping and ended up in the aisle where there was a plant sale and purchased 2 ferns, 2 rose bushes, 3 smaller viney flowery plants...and oh, yes, the dirt.  It was actually a rainy day and not the best for doing yard work, but I got home, put on my jeans with holes in them, my rain jacket and boots and planted all my plants.  In the rain.  Thunder in the distance.

I can't tell you how good that felt!  Before long, my jeans were absolutely soaked and I was a bit of a muddy mess, digging in all that dirt and finding bricks and a little bit of my peace of mind.  That evening I still wasn't quite myself and was falling asleep on the couch by 8:30 so I went to bed.  It was still daylight outside but I was out like a light and slept for a good 12 hours.

Tuesday dawned and I planned to ease myself back into work after going to yoga class.  While on the mat, I found myself at the point of tears.  It felt like depression in my body but I didn't know why.  I didn't think I felt sad, but I felt as if I were sad.  

BAD ASS NINJA STRENGTH

Now, I know that I have been dealing with a lot of tough emotions for quite some time as well as hitting business and work really hard.  I'm a true professional when it comes to work and can set aside ANYTHING that I'm feeling or experiencing on a personal level aside to get done what I need to do out in the world.  I'm actually really proud of myself for the strength to do that...it takes some bad ass ninja strength, let me tell you!

So, I was gentle with my Self.  I didn't do much work.  I focused on my Self and sorting out my feelings.  I did a lot of listening, to not only my mind, body and heart but also to the Universe for help.  WTF was going on with me?

I was reminded that Inner Strength, the bad ass ninja kind that I thrive on, is just like a muscle.  When we work out, our muscles have to break down before they get stronger.  We can't keep doing arm workouts everyday.  We have to pace our Selves and do some abs and then some cardio and then our legs and then back to our arms....it's a healthy balance and one in which our bodies are allowed to break down a little then heal stronger.

I had been hitting Life super hard and truly, my Inner Strength muscle gave out.  I let my Self feel all the feels that I stuff under the rug.  I wrote some of it out in angry, sad poetic words describing my feelings viscerally.  I tried to give my Self time alone and then allowed my Self to receive an inner pep talk reminding me of the healing that comes from being around friends and to let friendship strengthen me.  

POWER OF FOCUS

We talked about the world and travel and business and opportunities.  We acknowledged the tough parts of Life but focused on the good. We shared stories and laughed and left all the dishes in the sink. I didn't need to cry to my friends...just hang out, cook, sit on the back porch, go for a walk and eat...so much eating!!!! 

It took a little while, but I feel more like my Self again, and I wanted to share MY story so that you know that when YOUR Inner Strength muscle gets tired...be gentle on your Self.  Love your Self.  Give your Self pep talks and know that you won't feel like this forever.

It's helpful to focus on the positive after you acknowledge the tough parts.  Be your own psychiatrist and ask your Self not only "How do you feel about that?"  but also "What are you going to DO about that?"  THAT'S where the healing happens.  When you take action.

I hope this week's Goddess Diaries entry has helped you in some way!  If so, please feel free to SHARE your Ah-ha moments with me!

Sending you so much love,

Auset