The Story of the Wandering Goddess
I’m going to tell you the story of the Wandering Goddess but first, I have to give you a little background to my story so you’ll see how I’m tying it all together. It’s how I like to tell stories, kind of like those old Family Circus comics I’d read on Sunday afternoons when I was growing up….you know, the ones where the little boy wandered all over the neighborhood to get to home from school. Like that!
You may or may not know that I’m also a photographer (my images grace the pages on my website and social media) and wedding season started back up after a bit of a postponement in the spring. After the first few long days, I was coming home from the wedding exhausted and it seemed to take me at least 2 days on the couch or seriously taking it easy to recover and get my energy back, so late summer I started riding my bike to build up my strength and stamina.
When I lived on the farm for over 20 years, I’d spend a lot of time outside in the late afternoon/evening with the horses and my camera, taking photos and enjoying the light. Living at the apartment, I didn’t have my horses in my backyard anymore and I felt lost and displaced, so I brought my daughter’s bike over to give me something to do in the evenings. I’d spend my evenings riding my bike across the street to the state park and enjoying the light and the evening along the shores of the large reservoir… it kept me busy and helped me to heal from the pain of separation. I needed to be by the water….it was as if I needed the water to be that big to hold all of my pain as I sat there on her banks. Since those days, I’ve done a LOT of healing; not that it sometimes isn’t still hard but it’s mostly easier, except for the times when it isn’t. The house I live in now keeps me busier than the apartment with a little yard and my flower beds, too, so I didn’t really ride my bike much….until this summer.
We’ve faced many challenges in this incredible year of 2020. For many of us, this year has pushed us mentally and emotionally, caused us to revisit old insecurities and fears, and brought us not only to our knees, but in some ways, back to our strength and our feet. While I guess I shouldn’t speak for everyone, I know this is certainly true for me and in some ways, all the healing, confidence, and independence I’d worked so hard on seemed to fall away and I was not feeling very powerful or confident and I was definitely lonely. Then my birthday came and went in October and there were a few people in my close family that didn’t remember and one of them ended up in the hospital a few days later, which also pushed a lot of buttons of fear and insecurity inside of me. While 2020 overall had been tough, October was especially so.
One day while I was out riding my bike, I began to notice that my body felt different. I began to notice that my mind and my spirit felt different. I began to notice where my body and my spirit were craving to be….along a trail or in the woods or out more in the country where I used to ride my bike as a kid. Many times I’d find my Self riding into the woods, off the paved trail and into the bike trails that wound around the trees and that had rocks and roots to dodge, or I’d feel a craving to go out into the country and ride between the open fields where the sky was big and I could feel free. It was in this space out under the big blue sky that I was joined by Sekhmet who reminded me of the story of the Wandering Goddess.
The Wandering Goddess
In this story, there is a lioness form of the Goddess who is the daughter and Eye of Ra, who is angered for some reason and leaves Egypt, the place that she loves. This solar goddess is in various stories the Goddess Sekhmet or sometimes Hathor or Tefnut. Either way, she leaves and underneath her anger, her heart and her feelings are hurting. She left Egypt and wandered south into the desert sands of Nubia to walk under the big blue sky alone with her pain, roaring at those who crossed her path and stopping under a shade tree to lick her wounds and be by her Self.
Her father, the sun god Ra, missed her and called upon the gods Thoth, the god of wisdom, and Shu, the god of air, to go find her and bring her back. He wanted his Eye returned to him. So Thoth and Shu headed south into Nubia to find her and when they did, she told them that she was angry. They did their best to calm her and pacify her….they had brought offerings for her and promised her that if she would return, that they would bring her more offerings such as perfume, beer, wine, the sistrum and the menat necklace. Eventually, the Goddess decided that yes, she would indeed return with them to her beloved father Ra and to Egypt. When she returned, Thoth and Shu kept their word and showered her with offerings that made her heart happy.
As I rode my bike that day under that big blue sky and noticed how I felt….how being out there peddling all by my Self across the miles I felt the sky holding me, comforting me in some way. I felt like I was ok, even if I was alone, I was ok. I felt a healing taking place and confidence returning to me. Then when I was reminded of the story, it felt so familiar to me and I understood it from a very healing and personal perspective.
The Ancient Egyptians believed in the divinity in all things…..the air, the water, the land, the stars, and the animals, etc. and so this story is a representation of us all. Sometimes, WE are that Wandering Goddess. Sometimes we get our feelings hurt in some way and we want to withdraw from everything and everyone and just enjoy a good sulk all by our Self. We don’t want to be comforted, we want to roar in our pain and let everyone pay for hurting us by withdrawing from them. Only when we feel that we’ve honored these feelings long enough are we ready and open to return to our lives and those we love and forgive the wrongs.
In that moment of recognition, I was that Wandering Goddess. I was hurting from painful emotions that the challenges of this year had revealed new layers to heal. I was feeling hurt and invisible and insignificant and forgotten and disposable and replaced….and I found my Self wandering out under the big blue sky seeking this isolation and not wanting to be a part of anything. Being out in the country on my bike under that big blue sky surrounded with nature, (Neter - the AE word for the Divine/God), I noticed how that made my body feel and how it somehow soothed my heart. It was as if my pain was so great that I couldn’t keep it caged in, muffled under treetops or between houses or on trails. I needed to ride under that sky and I needed that sky to be so big…so that it was big enough to hold me and comfort me.
Not only was I that Goddess, I was that animal. We are animals. We seek out isolation when we’re hurting and we snap at those who dare to try to help or to be around us when we’re hurting. We have an innate hunger for simple things like companionship, belonging, and acceptance by those we love. Just like some animals we may be reactive and very expressive, but others of us may be more stoic and hold things together on the outside while on the inside there’s a lot of anxiety or fear or pain.
Conclusion and thoughts
If you’ve read this far, bless your heart! My point with all of this is to inspire you to look at your own behaviors to better understand what’s going on with you, to better understand your actions, and to then see ways in which you can “return” to your wholeness and a feeling of being balanced. We may not always have the luxury of a Thoth or a Shu coming to make us feel better….sometimes we may have to find that within our Self. I’m hoping that through the telling of this story, you’ll see with more clarity when that needs to be the case for you and when you need to seek forgiveness or consolation from others.
Most importantly, as you discover things about your Self, be gentle….and remember that you may be around people who aren’t being so mindful or aware. Perhaps you’re dealing with a Wandering Goddess in your life so be gentle on them too, as you take on that role of Thoth and Shu. Be that Eye of Ra that sees them and honors them where they are.
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