"Of all the liars in the world, sometimes the worst are our own fears."
- Rudyard Kipling
Sometimes you see hints of it so you know it's there but most of the time I work super hard to work THROUGH it and maybe even dissect it a little here and there to make it more beneficial and meaningful.
I know the working title of this post is a bit wordy but I wanted to share bits and pieces of all of those things with you because I've come to realize that if it's something I'm dealing with, chances are there are more than a few handfuls of others out there dealing with it. Not to say that I have all the answers, but I want to give you my special form of Cliff Notes on how to deal with the hard stuff.
A year ago or so I had a fall with our horse Fred. We were trotting along and she tripped. She kept tripping and didn't seem to be able to recover and all of a sudden I realized we were going down. She landed on my leg and my other foot got stuck in the stirrup leaving me hanging upside down for about 5 minutes. She was such a good girl and just stood there while I dangled trying to free my foot as no one was around to help me.
I ended up going to the ER and she ended up with a vet visit to check out all the things that were sore and after all the x-rays (hers and mine) it was determined that she was not going to be rideable with the arthritis that was now obviously keeping her from flexing her knees completely causing her to trip. For the past year now I've gone over to see her at least twice a week to brush her, clean her stall, and hang out with her but I miss riding/driving.
Fear is not something that I think I struggle with too often because it doesn't always come in the format of running and screaming through a haunted house or jumping because I saw a spider. It comes in quietly and suddenly and with some sort of wake-up call. Recently I started gifting my Self riding lessons each week. I've had all of two at the writing of this blog but being in a barn with other horse lovers and doing something that feels so natural to me has been so so so good (did I mention how so good it's been?)
The first week left me really really sore and woke up some muscles I had totally ignored for the last year since my fall with Fred. During my second lesson the horse I rode first spooked at something invisible at the end of the arena and I rode it out...he went one way and I stuck like a little barnacle on his back and went the same direction. I was really aware of my ability to stay balanced and seated and felt really good about that. We switched directions and then he was limping so I had to switch horses.
We were halfway through our lesson when the horse tripped slightly, trotted a few steps and tripped slightly again. Suddenly my heart stopped and everything from my fall came rushing back into my body and I grabbed my heart and found my Self fighting back tears. My instructor said, "Uh oh, what happened?!" I told her with a shaking voice of my experience and how surprised I was to be so rattled and even apologized (which immediately after I did I wondered what I had to be sorry about).
"What you gonna do about that?"
I was determined not to let this stop me from riding and enjoying this experience so I pulled my Self together and started off at a trot again and I'm sure my face was all Supergirl Serious! I focused on what I was doing and then we cantered both directions and all was good in my world again.
Anyway....some experiences never leave our bodies. But, it's what we DO with them that counts.
We can fear rejection because of past experiences of being left out or set aside. We can fear intersections because of past accidents that sent us to the hospital. We can fear being in crowds of people because we are sensitive empaths and it's overwhelming to our senses on many levels.
Me? I'm just determined to keep putting my Self out there for the opportunity NOT to be rejected, to make it through that intersection safely, and to dive deep into those crowds and meet new friends.
What fears do YOU have and as my littlest Great Niece who is all of 2 years old likes to ask, "What you gonna do about that?!"